I have been meaning to post an entry for over a week now. Whenever I've tried, however, I've always been thwarted by something. It could be lack of time, lack of energy, or simple fear of writing anything publicly at all.

I had tried writing something last night as a matter of fact. I certainly had time to write last night. I also had more than sufficient energy. Yet, each time I made the attempt, I failed spectacularly. The preponderance of the evening was the current status of Paper Girl. I felt that it was about time for me to make a post about how the project is going. When I tried to write such an entry, however, it come out as overtly grand or too divorced from the subject at hand.

To put it simply, I think that the writing is going quite well. I have been constructing a new outline for the last month. Instead of opening the last version of the outline, I had decided to start from scratch with a new, blank document. This was in fact a suggestion from a web comic artist of some fame. I further took the advice of other writers online by using a drastically simplified outline format. Everything has been distilled down to bullet points of only the most "structural" elements of the story. This was meant to correct my tendency to overplot during the last round of outlines. I had also been extensively using my paper journal during the writing process.

Several years ago when I was writing a video game, I had used my paper journal as a means to sort out my thoughts when it came to programming. Occasionally, I also used it to discuss general ideas of the game world, as well as the story of the game. I looked to Di Vinci's journal as a form for my own -- a place to explore my ideas. I could try to post this material online, but nothing compares to the feel of genuine paper and the smell of ink.

To my own surprise, my journal has become a valuable writing tool. Many of my most productive nights writing begin with opening the pages of that small book and uncapping my fountain pen (sometimes ceremony is important). Many of the resulting entires are meandering blocks of text in which I discuss and flesh out an idea. I don't consider them private, but I don't feel they're of sufficient quality to post. I could be wrong about this of course.

Eventually I'll put my journal aside, the entry complete. Then do I turn to my word processor and tap out one or two bullet points. Some nights when I've struck upon a particularly marvelous idea, it'll be as many as three or four. In one instance, it was eleven.

Those eleven bullet points are one of the biggest changes I've made in the story. Paper Girl has always had a rather hefty backstory. In the Draft 3 outline, it took up three entire pages. The story also always seems to have trouble starting (in more ways than one!). In order to solve these problems, I made the rather obvious choice to put the backstory into the main telling of the story itself. In the process I tweaked many of the details and compressed the time line. This new beast is now the first part of the story, "Contradictions".

The character of Novella has also been changed. For some months I felt she needed to be a darker character in order to justify her relationship with Akisa. Novella has always been a difficult character. While at times I rather like her, many times she seems too malleable. Whenever I tried to figure her out, she always seemed to slip away. Many times it seemed that the character would change to fit whatever my mood was at the moment. I went back and reexamined the original character. When I put all of this together, I realized what she had been trying to tell me all this time. I actually do not want to say what it was -- you'll have to read the story -- but the picture gives you a huge metaphorical hint.

I have also decided not to post my outline online. While previous outlines are available on my website, I feel that this is no longer appropriate. Even if I were to make it available, it's intended to be so broad as several different stories could be stretched upon its frame. I may, however, make it available to my friends and other acquaintances for their perusal. I would like to finish it first.

Currently I'm debating an issue of numbers as well. I use my own version system for my writing. Drafts indicate not a successive version, but a casting of the story universe. Revisions indicate further development of the story within that universe. So whenever I decide to make major changes in the characters or story, I feel it necessary to change the Draft number. I had felt I was working on Draft 4 for most of summer. When I began working on my writing heavily the last month, I felt that the story had changed dramatically. For this reason, I beginning to wonder if I'm working on Draft 5, rather than Draft 4. In the end, it only matters to me. While it means little to the reader, I find these labels important to keep my thoughts organized.

I hope to return to writing soon. This week it has been difficult due to work and a touch of illness. Perhaps a break is what I need.

Paper Angel #1It appears that after slumbering the entire summer, my artistic muse has finally woken up. I suspect it's the smell of the approaching winter in the Minnesotan air.

The image to the right is a quick sketch for an Paper Girl promo image. It was actually inspired from this image, from the Naruto manga.

A quick sketch for a Paper Girl promo image.

I've come to a realization of sorts lately, one I should have realized quite some time ago.

You see, I suck at outlining.

In the last year and a half I have attempted to put together a complete outline for Paper Girl. Unfortunately, every time I threw myself into the task, I seem to end up in the same spot. I end up with a big, over detailed and unruly document that I am ultimately unsatisfied with. I'm convinced there are "holes" in the story yet to fill in. Sometimes I attempt to fill these holes forcibly, only to be disgusted with the results. Then i brood for months at a time waiting for ideas to occur to me.

This is not to say that some of that brooding isn't useful. Sometimes I do come up with new ideas that expand the story. The ideas I incorporated to the forthcoming Draft 4 outline have left me more satisfied with the story than ever. And yet, there are still these damnable holes, now at the beginning of the story. Earlier this week I had read through the Draft 4 prewriting once more. As I did so, I chatted with a friend over Skype, lamenting about these problems. During the course of the conversation I realized that the holes I currently see are mere minutiae. I could write nearly anything for it, and it would be just as good as anything else. (Save for something patently ridiculous like all of them being attacked by dragons or a radioactive 50ft. tall Matt Damon.)

Despite this, I still have a desire to format the current prewriting into a formal outline. I attempted to start this task while on my last flight, but was too exhausted to get very far. I attempted to do so again last night, but failed miserably. Instead, I sought out suggestions for writing outlines of fiction. Eventually, I landed on this insightful little page.

Surprisingly, the page discusses just the sort of problems and arguments I've had with respect to outlining. Years ago I was against them decrying the death of the creative process. Then, when I realized that I simply couldn't keep all of Paper Girl in my head, I turned to outlining. And quickly, I made my mistake.

I have a tendency to over-plot my stories. This isn't a new realization. A friend of mine suggested the exact same thing almost a year ago. So obsessed by these holes was I that I ignored her completely. Never underestimate my ability to stubbornly refuse someone's advice if I haven't discovered it myself. When thinking about this, I realized that I did much the same thing with programming. If I actually sat down to design the application before coding, I would quickly become embroiled with potential problems, complexities, and pitfalls. The experience of designing a program in detail was completely distasteful to me. Instead, I would sit down for an hour, or toss around ideas for weeks until I finally started serious coding.

And guess what I should be doing now?

From a practical standpoint, there is no more outlining to be done. There is no more idea tossing to be done. There is no more brooding to be done. Paper Girl is more than complete with regards to preparation. Granted, I would still like to construct a formal outline. I would like to incorporate subplots from Draft 3.7 into Draft 4. This isn't so much writing as it is organization.

The title, Novella: College Journal Manga is several years old now. I first used it back in mid 2002 when the first editions of the so-called "Draft 2" comic were published. It fit with the writing style I had at the time, but I've grown tired of it over the last few years. Today it seems an ungainly string of words as well as plain.

Today I prefer short titles. You can see in many of my blog entries that I often choose a single word as a title. The word chosen typically refers to something in, or something vaguely related to the subject the post. In the case of a story, I prefer to choose something from within the story that on first glance, seems outwardly plain. The meaning of which might not be revealed well into the story.

I had wanted to change the title for over a year now, but I haven't had anything I liked to replace it with. I thought of leaving it with just Novella, but even with the italics, it can be a terrible confusion between the nickname of the main character and the title of the comic. Besides, it didn't absolve my dissatisfaction. Then, about a month ago I was sitting at a client's office working when inspiration struck me.

It happened to be that this particular client had very high security standards. This included locking down the network to all streaming music options. As a result, I was in the rare position of listening to all the music on my hard drive. This is a rare occurrence despite the fact I routinely add music to my collection. After several hours I was deep into my work and was not completely paying attention to the music. Then suddenly, the singer said something that stuck me.

Did I hear that right? I asked myself. I actually had to stop the MP3 player and start the track over again. The track starts slowly with a guitar being plucked in a repetitive pattern in a minor key. The singer whispers, "My pain, may pride, these scars are mine..." She continues explaining the state of her life, and the terrible secrets she's had to keep. She wishes to build a new religion to enshrine this pain. Then reaches the chorus:

I am made of pages
paragraphs and inspirations
paper girl, burn the world
I pass the flame to you.

The next stanza contains another three lines which resonated with me and the story,

My first act of treason was picking up a pen,
my first act of love was finding myself again.

In many ways writing has served as my refuge, much as it did for the singer Otep Shamaya. When I first began writing, it was indeed an act of treason against what I was told wrong and impossible. Today it is still a comfort to me and I keep a paper journal regularly. The character of Novella has similar motivations. In the story she's writing as her true self, and not the person everyone expects her to be. Novella is writing about a girl that doesn't yet exist, a girl that exists only in paper of her journal. The process of accepting this paper girl, of course, pushes Novella to the edges of her strength and sanity.

Throughout this summer, I have been working on a new draft of the story. It changes several of the main events and maps out a much more interesting story for the main character than ever before. At one point, her conflicting drives and the disapproval of her family does indeed break her. It is something that paves the way for her eventual transformation. This as well as several other subplots creates the most complete version of the story that's ever been.

So where in the hell is the comic already?

The fact of the matter is that this summer has been rather rough on me. Work has had an unprecedented run of assignments for me. I have now spent more time in hotels in the Eastern Time Zone than I have in my own apartment. Some of these clients have also been rather demanding, leading to extra hours and very little energy for writing or drawing. Furthermore, I've been dealing with difficult personal issues that have prevented me from having any consistent creative output. I'm only beginning to recover, and next week, I'm off to another client for a month.

In addition to lack of time and energy, there is still an uncomfortable gap at the beginning of the story. I have been trying to resolve this over the last few weeks, but it has been slow going. It may be that there's nothing of note in this gap except to set the stage for later plot development. Either way, I'm afraid that until I know what's in this gap, I won't be able to produce any comics. I simply afraid that I'll make some sort of a mistake if I move too quickly.